Who am I?

Sign from God

I wonder if this is a sign from God. I no longer have to worry about abandoing you, no longer worry about forgetting you, but now i have to worry about seeinng you. I have to worry about hurting you, what if you like me and I don’t like you? What am I feeling? do i like you? do I like girls? I found a really cool guy online and we talk alot now but how am I going to tell you? Even though we are best friends and I have told you so much, but not everything, definitely not everything. You told me this senior year was gonna b the year of our lives, but will it. when I told you i was going to come back you told me that you were so happy, jumping up and down, and that you nearly cried when I told you i was leaving. And now that I am coming back, not becasue I want to but becasue I could not leave, what of us? What of the plans that we had for a free period in the beginning of the day and going to breakfeast every single day just me and you. what of that plan? Instead you took yearbook and now I have a free period? I understand you only signed up becasue you thought I was leaving but now I’m not are you going to change classes? I dont want to ask you to but i want you to? I want to go to breakfeast with you every single day! but I dont know what I am feeling. What is this feeling that I feel when I am with you? You are a girl and I am a boy and that is usually great but not this time. This time is different. This time I am a boy who thinks he like other boys(weird this is the first time I let myself think about such a idea), I already watched gay porn since I was in 8th grade and I do think that guys are attrative, yet I think you are speacil. Different than anyone i have ever met, you are amazing! Do i like you? what is this feeling that i feel when i am with you? you know me as someone who is shallow, who goes after the pretty girls, yet you dont think i am after you. You are pretty, but do I even like you? do i like girls? the term bisexual is foreign to me. I know I will fall in love with who ever I truly love, the person that is right for me, whether it be a guy or a girl. I do not actually know I just hope. But if i say i’m bissexual i dont think its right I want people to know I like guys as well as girls but saying your bissexual is, to me, somewhay to hide the part that you gay. a way to tell people oh yeah i like guys but i like girls to so that makes me normal. I dont want to be normal! i want to stand out! i want to be found by that one person who i will love. Joz are you that person? Do I love you? is being stuck at this christian school a sign from god? why would He make me stay here if He knows that I hate this place? I guess I will just take it as a sign from god. A sign saying that there is something here for you to do. but joz are you that person that god wanted me to meet? are you the reason for God to make me suffer? are you the sliver of happiness in a place filled with misery? are you the light that will lead me out of my hell? why did he do this to me? I don’t want to hurt you by telling you that I not only dont have feelings for you but that I like boys. How will you react? Did god make me stay to change you or for you to change me?