Who am I?

Jocelyn….

I don’t know what I think about you. Your beautiful and wonderful and awesome but I dont know. This year you were the only person I hung out with, not becasue you were the only one or that I hate everyone, but becasue I wanted you. I don’t know what I felt or what I continue to feel, but I know that when you invited me to Disneyland for your birthday, like you do every year sine we met freshman year, and that I couldnt go, and you tried to play it off like it was nothing but it really meant something becasue I was the only person you invited. I cried that night, the night I told you that this year I couldn’t go, not becasue I had something else to do but because my dad just didn’t let me. I creid that night, like no other time in my life. I dont know what I feel for you. Everyone tells me that I like you and you likewise but I don’t know. You are my best friend. I have told you things that I have never ever shared with anyone else, not even my brother or sister or other friends. I told you the things I did becasue I knew that I could trust you but I still havent told you everything. I haven’t told you that since I was in sixth grade I watched gay porn, and continue till this day, that I find guys cute and that me and J have cuddled in the same bed, for two nights. I feel like I am betraying you becasue I am leading you on. You invited me to your big church preformance and I couldn’t go. I didn’t feel as bad that time becaus I remember that I spent two entire days looking for toys that you would like, like the ball attatched to a cup and you get the ball inside the cup thingy, sponges that would grow bigger in watter, childish things even though you are 17 I knew you would like them, since I know you so well. I made up missing your birthday and your big preformance by inviting you to a Jonas Brothers concert. I was so surprised the day you said yes, you said it just like yes why not, but you dont know how hard it was for me to ask. With you strong, and i mean strong religious parents and upbringing for example you can only wear skirts and will be chaparoned on dates until you get married, that you said yes to go with me. There is so much more that I feel bad for and will write it next time. But i dont know what I feel for you and even if I like girls. You know me as the guy who dated the pretty girls and you dont think your pretty and  am sorry i didnt have  the courage, the courage to tell you that you are absolutely the prettiest fucking girl I have ever seen, the courage to tell you that I didn’t care about the other girls at all, the courage to tell you that I will not come back senior year and leave you to be alone, the courage to tell you that I think guys are cute when you ask “do you think hes cute?” I only say I’m a guy and I don’t know but I want to say hes fucking cute, and the courage to tell you all this in person. and for all this I am truly sorry Jocelyn, sorry for the pain that I will cause if I tell you every single detail about my life, sorry for being such a coward, and sorry for not knowing who I am.