Who am I?

The Day I Became Human

On January 3rd of 2010 I became human, neither in the sense that I emerged from my mothers womb nor in the sense that I went through some sort of metamorphosis but in the sense that on January 3rd I began to feel. Never had I ever experienced an emotion that was unmistakably identifiable, that I had no question of what I was feeling. It was those few minutes, not numbering more than four minutes, that the world around me completely changed. It was as if my eyes had been finally open to look upon all of creation and see all of its beauty and atrocities, its happiness and sorrow, but most importantly my eyes had been open to see what others are able to see- love. The most human of all emotions, fundamental to our continued existence, had evaded me for so long, or so I  thought. In that moment, after I had seen my Dad in a hospital bed talking and laughing and made an excuse to flee to the car as to hide from the streams of tears from my Dad, I realized that it was not love that eluded me but it was I who evaded love. In that moment the answer was so simple, as it had always been for seventeen years, I ran away from love. How I missed this emotion, this simple emotion, the most human of emotions, even though it brought me to tears I realized how I longed for this feeling. At that moment I saw love, pure love: love that was untainted by the corruption of man. As the moment came to pass and my world returned to normal I realized that it was that day, the 3rd of January in the year 2010, that I became human. For what was I before I was without love? NOTHING.

I know it has been awhile since my last post but…

I thought that I wouldn’t need to post about all of my life’s problems because even with all the shity things that is going on in my life I found, or so I thought, that I absolutely am falling head over heels for. Even though we don’t live close, in two separate states, I would of flown over to Utah in a heartbeat and would of paid for his trips to LA but things never turn out as you want them to. So yesterday I asked him what we were and his response was basically we were nothing, just friends, mainly because we lived so far away, maybe when he moved here to go to school we would be together, that part I completely understood but the part that killed me inside was when I asked him so do you even really like me. his response was yes and when I asked him if he would like me in real life he said I don’t know. I DONT FUCKING KNOW?!?!?!? how the fuck don’t you know! well it seems that I again turn to this blog to profess the complete destruction of my heart. how poetically justifying it is to have one blog about the emotional homicide that occurs in my life so daily and the other blog being used to profess my absolute happiness of finding a Somebody

Today someone asked me if I was gay, he was obviously joking, but I wonder what would happen if i said yes.

Is it bad that I only want to date girls now becasue it hurts less when it doens’t end right?

So I think I like a girl, my best friend to be specific. I think I will hold off on guys since he hurted me so much. I have never felt that kind of pain from the end of a relationship so I might just go with girls from now on since it won’t hurt as much. =[ and i lost the game.

Why You?

Why you, I think to myself, because it’s so quiet in the room with only my thoughts and intermittent sound of my phone vibrating with your text messages. Why you? You may ask. I stare at the ceiling, staring as if it were the heavens. Do you like me?  Do I like you? I smile, and I can see your face, even though we have never met in person, just the occasional MMS. Of course I like you. I turn to my phone because I just got a text from you. Why do I spend so much time thinking of you? I think about it quietly and I look at my phone. I find myself asking why you, again. Why do I like you? I just continue to stare at the ceiling, as if I am trying to find the answers in the recesses that are visible. I continue staring at the ceiling, and with my right hand I place my phone next to my heart, a fruitless gesture to somehow make it feel like you are in my arms. Why you, I wonder if you even care? I sigh. Yes. I smile. I think and hope that you actually care. Then it comes to me, a rush of emotions. I like you because you use words such as sadist and usurp, I’ve never had anyone say those words as if they were plain vernacular much less in text messages. You take these forgotten words and nurture them so that others will use them in a common day conversation. I like you because when you think that you are not cute, even though it is a fact. You look at yourself and think that you engorged yourself with fatty, greasy, and oily foods. You didn’t.  Not only do I like you because of your appearance but also because you are a grammar Nazi. Trying to ignore my grammatical mistakes when I text you, not knowing that I intentionally make mistakes to see you get all angry. You are cute when you are angry. I like you because you don’t think that Pokemon is at all childish, get all excited because you found your Gameboy, how much you worry about school. I smile. I like you because when I asked you if you worried when I didn’t text you for a while you said “no” and the worst scenario that you could come up with was ninjas. I like you because you are fragile, and I like you because I need to take care of someone and I think I can take care of you. That’s why.

My Boyfriend

Just woke up and realized that I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the ambiguity; the mystery of it all; the not knowing; the uncertainty; the lack of hope; the lack of a definitive answer. I think I might break up with you when you get back from your partying. Do I mean nothing to you? Today I came home from a stupid fucking SAT prep school because I couldn’t take it anymore. I was about to cry and when I get home and talk to you all I can do is go wallow in my misery and sleep. Because it is in my slumber that I find numbness. Numbness from all the emotions that you evoke in me. How can it be that I chose to stay home today and sleep most of the day and you choose to go to a party? Should I get over you? but you mean so much to me, even though we’ve only been dating for three weeks you are my first boyfriend. Well I guess I can’t ask you not to have fun, because if I ever did I would want you to break up with me because I want you to have fun always! I care too much for you to see you be in a miserable and hopeless relationship with me. You say I’m being too dramatic but I don’t think so. Should I forget you or try my hardest to keep our relationship, even though you said you didn’t know if you liked me and you are out partying tonight with your friend while I am in bed crying, well not crying now since I ran out of tears and dare not drink anymore water because tears will undoubtedly come?

FML My Boyfriend =’[

I don’t think that he wants to be with me. I thought I liked someone else and we both told each other yesterday that we might have feelings for other people but I still thought we had strong enough feelings for each other. I was wrong. I asked you if you wanted to be in a relationship with me and I told you to be honest. I wish i hadn’t. If i wasn’t in class I would have started crying. I just started trying to pull it together. You said that you weren’t sure and that was it. You didn’t say anything after and I didn’t text back. I think that I like you a lot but I’ve never been in any type of relationship with a guy before so I don’t know. What do I do now? What do I tell you? We were going to go on a date in two weeks and what about that date? You said you liked me but you couldn’t only devote yourself to me and I completely understood because I couldn’t do the same. so what do this mean now?